Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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