Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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