We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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