and you said cock pushups were impossible
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
