I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
