I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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