4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry about my life...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
