if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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