My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
