Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
