everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
