Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
