Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
