can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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