ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
