If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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