My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
