I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
