I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
