fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
