what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
