Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
