nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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