hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
