i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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