News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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