I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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