i can't believe i had my finger in that
My cat gives me a boner
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
