Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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