So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
