Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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