I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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