everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
