I must be too annoying 4 u.
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
