I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
