Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
