WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
are you so shy because you have an std?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
