I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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