your parents love me but you hate me
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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