I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
