just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
