I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
