Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
