i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
