WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
