Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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