How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
