I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
