So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Is it penis luge time yet?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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