i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
