Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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