i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
