Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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