maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
