I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
