He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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