between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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