Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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