If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
