The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just pynch a tree in the face
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
