Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
