He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
