I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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